Okay it is May 11. We are already eleven days into May and I have went out and ran once. ONCE. To my defense it has been raining a lot and then I got sick. I didn't want to take the kiddo out in the rain and then I was sick so I didn't leave the couch.
I am not sure if I will be able to get all the miles done but I am going to try.
on a different note...
does anybody else out there have a problem with keeping up with the Jones'? I know I sure as heck do. I will use this little tiny blog as an example. I read all these other blogs and it seems like everybody has their crap together. Do I have my crap together? No sirree bob. I almost always have a running dialogue in my head of what I would write in a blog post about me doing something. Then I start thinking about it. Then I realize everyone and their mom has done that it is totally lame.
I have this horrible habit of wanting to the best and being the best at everything. It is such an struggle for me. So here I am wanting to do something + me trying to be freaking perfect X getting overwhelmed = not doing anything. I hate that freaking equation. I hate writing it down. It is super embarrassing. Plus, i feel like a total phony. Not that I am fake really but I just only letting you see a glimpse of everything. I am not sure how to change the whole problem but I think clearing the air will be a good start. From here on out I am going to be honest with you and with myself.
here we go...
-i breastfeed. I am proud of myself that I have made it almost to a year. Especially with how hard it was in the beginning and people telling me i couldn't do it and that i wouldn't be giving my child enough. Honestly and truthfully the main reason I didn't quit was because people told me i couldn't do it. we didn't have the money for bottles and formula. I hate doing dishes. All of those things combined I had to breastfeed. A bonus was how good it is for lil' man. I hate that I feel like I have to defend why I breastfeed or that I have to make other people feel better about themselves if they formula fed. Ya know what I don't care. As long as you take care of your kid. I don't really care what you do. You do you... I'll do me.
-we cloth diaper.Main reason we are cheap. Lil' man could only use pampers so it was pricey. We switched to cloth and use them part time/majority of the time. Pro it helps the environment.
- i make baby food. again I'm cheap. that is all there is to it.
- with all these things that I do for lil' man. It drives me batty that I feel like I have to defend myself constantly so others don't think I am crazy. or that I am trying to be that mom. KWIM? Believe me majority of the time while I am doing these things I am thinking man I wish Mo could give him a bottle, or it is so much easier to pull some food out of the cupboard and be done with it. but I chose the road less traveled and you know what it is not easy doing everything the hard way and being by yourself. I seriously do not know ONE person in real life that cloth diapers, nursed this long or makes baby food. It is a lonely road.
I feel like so many people think I am Martha Stewart or something. I am not. Yes, I can cook, craft. The only one that I am fairly good at is cooking. Yes, I make stuff from scratch but its because I am very stubborn and I am determined to figure out how to do it. Plus, it is a running theme today... I am cheap. It is cheaper to make a cake with the ingredients instead of buying a couple boxes. Now I have done it so many times it is just as easy for me to whip something up real quick.
Crafting. HA. what a joke I am. Yes I can figure something out but I never get any of it done. seriously the to do list is like a kajillion miles long. Instead I just don't do anything.
What i have figured out in writing this all out is 1. I'm cheap. 2. I have an insane amount of fear stopping me. I am so afraid of not being the best or whatever it is that day that I don't do anything. Epiphany's man. I am so afraid of striking out and not sinking a homer that I'd rather just stay here in my rut. Then I see other people with things that I'd like to do or something. then starts the jealousy and the self hate.
Good Grief I am a mess.
so if you have read this. please I am begging you to pray for me. I clearly need it. Yikes.
gosh i am sorry I just bored you all with all my first world problems but it needed to get out there. I can't promise this will be the last one but I am going to try and make some changes for the better.
