Monday, July 1, 2013

Being a mom is tough

   You know what? I knew being a mom wasn't the easiest job before I became one. With the no sleep, cleaning up puke, no time for yourself thing. I knew that going into it. That's what they tell you.  I'm going to tell you what they don't tell you. It is no reason to change your mind about kids. Kids are great but they change everything.

   I was always a generally pretty confident person. Not like I'm hot stuff confident. More of a fake it till you make it kind of confident. If I made a decision I stuck with it. Good or Bad. Confident, determined or stubborn are words I would use to describe myself pre-child. I definitely a 'come hell or high water' kinda girl.

   Now, though is different. It all started when I saw these.

   See, when I saw those two pink lines my world did not revolve around me anymore. It revolved around that little miracle. It started of small. Am I taking the right vitamins? Should I eat that? You know the normal pregnancy questions. Then my lil' monster was born.  It went to is he eating enough? Was his poop the right color? Is he warm? Is he cold?

   Omg. I could go on and on.

   I used to think of myself as weak because I didn't trust myself whatsoever. I realize though, that I don't think anyone that comes home with their first child knows exactly what they are doing or that they trusted themselves completely. I believe they would be lying.

   So, that brings me to now. My lil' monster is one year old. I still don't trust myself. I am however better at listening to my gut. For example, yesterday. He had a fever. It was his first. I panicked. Nobody likes to see their child hurting. At noon it was 100.9 not super high but enough for my senses were tingling. By 7 it was 102.4. I had been giving him meds as well. Bells and whistles were going off. Everybody had a different opinion of what I should do. Bath or no bath. Keep him covered or sleep in only a diaper. Take him to the ER or not. Seriously it felt like a war zone in my head. Even after I made my decision of what I should do, I could feel other moms judging me for it because it wasn't how they would do it. Let me tell ya. That makes the self doubt so much harder. You know what though. I'm glad I listened to myself. We did not take him to the ER. I'm glad I didn't because you know why? At midnight his temp was back to 98.7.

   What I'm trying to tell you. Is that with mommyhood you lose all sense of self assurance. You'll second guess every decision you make. You'll change your mind a half a dozen times. It's okay though. Jut trust your instincts. You are going to be fine and it's all worth it... That I can promise. 

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